Immortal What?
by AsterAdvocate
Summary: In honor of the infamous fanfiction, My Immortal, I decided to write a spin-off of it in order to sate my curiosity as to what would happen if the original characters had actually stayed in character.
1. Chapter 1

"What the bloody hell does 'fangs' mean?"

"Well, Ron, a fang is any long, hollow, or grooved poison-injecting tooth, usually belonging to a venomous snake or-"

"I mean in this context, 'Mione, I know what a bloody fang is."

"Oh, this letter," Hermione Granger apprehensively lifted up a black piece of parchment with pink ink scribbled on it in a way that would drive any self-respecting author, or any user of the grand English language, up the wall. "Well, I'm assuming it's a letter."

"How can you assume anything about this at all when the longest sentence on this thing is about makeup?"

"Be nice, Ronald."

"To who? Some other fan of Harry's who doesn't even know how to spell?" Hermione sighed and looked at the black, lacy envelope the letter came in, a very strangely coloured envelope to be chosen for a fan letter. She had been personally appointed by none other than herself, since Harry was very insistent on not needing her help, to organize Harry's mail and to protect him from probing, barraging fan mail, howlers, and any other letters Harry would probably ignore that may actually hold some importance. Sadly, the one in Hermione's hands didn't fit into any of the categories, mainly because she couldn't understand any of it.

"Ron, do you know who Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way is?

"Ha, that is totally a made-up name, Herm."

"That's how the letter starts though... Did you read it?"

"No. The pink hurts my eyes. I just read the beginning where it says 'fangs'."

"Dear Vampire, fangs for the help. Get it, 'cus I'm gothic. You're super-hot. I'm, super-hot too-"

"Wow, she's modest-wait, are you actually gonna read all of it?"

"I'm reading it again. I read it once but I didn't understand any of it before... Do you think she means 'thanks' when she says 'fangs'?"

"I don't care, 'Mione. Why are you reading it?"

"I'm just not sure what it means."

"Just throw it away, I'm sure it's not important. It's not even addressed to Harry, it says 'Vampire'-"

"Do you think there's a vampire in Hogwarts?"

"Cool it, Herm! I never said that. Why are you so paranoid-" The dorm door slammed shut and an irritated-sounding sigh resonated throughout the Gryffindor common room. Hermione and Ron turned their heads to watch as an exhausted Harry slumped into a couch near the fireplace, where they were standing in front of.

"Oh, mate, where did you go after double potions?" Ron asked, unable to decided whether Harry will explode or drift asleep. Harry did neither.

"The loo, in order to bang my head against the wall," That response wrenched Hermione's full attention away from the badly-written letter she was holding.

"Why? What happened, Harry?"

"Do you remember my potion's partner?"

"Obi Wank Enobi?" Ron snickered, earning himself a glare from Hermione. "What?"

"I happen to like Star Wars."

"Star Wars? What's that?"

"It's a muggle movie series, Ron. I'm going to sleep if you don't want to hear anymore-"

"Sorry mate, what about Enobi?" Hermione glared at him again, but Ron turned his attention to his tired best friend.

"She is worse than Goyle is at potions."

"Whoa!" "Harry, don't be so rude!" Ron and Hermione exclaimed as Harry started to massage his forehead.

"I mean it, and I have this freaking bruise on my head to prove it."

"But you did well on the potion today, Harry."

"Yeah, because I was trying twice as hard to ignore everything that came out of her mouth. She kept on talking about how she looked like some person named Amy Lee. Bet it was her grandmother."

"Er, Harry, is her real name actually Enobi?" Hermione inquired, not remembering anyone in their seventh year-"eighth" year for them-class with such a name.

"I don't want to talk about her anymore-oh fuck, did you actually read that?" Harry snatched the letter out of Hermione's hands.

"Yeah, do you know why it was addressed to 'Vampire'-Harry! What are you doing?" Harry immediately shredded the letter into pieces and proceeded to throw all of it into the fire.

"I told you to throw it away Herm, it's not important," Harry slumped back into the couch, looking a bit more content after his previous actions. "Anyway, the letter is addressed to me. I just happened to cut my finger while chopping up the bat wings and she decided to think I was a vampire because I 'sucked blood'."

Ron guffawed into a huge laughing fit that had him sinking to the rug. Hermione shook her head in disbelief.

"Why don't you go to sleep, Harry? You look tired." Harry nodded full-heartedly and used the last of his energy to run to his room, eager to go to bed.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, a certain Draco Malfoy was trying his hardest not to go anywhere near the Slytherin common room.<p>

"Drakey, why are you still in the library? You'll have to come into the dorms sooner or later. Are you doing homework for charms?" Pansy sauntered into the library as Draco flipped though a book about detection and repelling charms.

"No, I'm doing this for my well-being. Oh, this one makes the perpetrator grow green boils on its face if it comes within ten feet of the target. If only I can find one with a one mile radius..."

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to get a stalker off my trail," Draco continued to flip through the book.

"You mean that seventh-year slut that the Mudbloods call Obi Wank Enobi?"

"Yes, Pansy, her," Draco heaved a sigh. "I believe she's appointed herself as my girlfriend and I'm quite frankly very disturbed. She has a lot on her chest and absolutely nothing in her head. Well, anyway, I've decided to stay here because I seriously doubt that Enobi girl will ever think about coming in here-"

"Draco!" The cry startled both Slytherins out of their conversation, leaving Draco desperately trying to find a charm that will send an interloper flying back out the door.

A gothic-looking girl dressed fully in black and pink clothing that accentuated her bust started running toward their table.

"How the fuck did she know I was here?" Draco whispered harshly at Pansy, who merely shrugged.

"All I did was tell Blaise that I was going to the library to look for you," That led to Draco angrily cursing his luck as the Enobi girl ended up taking a seat right in front of him.

"Hi," She said flirtatiously as she hooked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"Go fu-guh! Hi," Draco thought better of what he was going to say as Pansy smashed her sharp heel into his foot.

"Sorry Drakey, I think it's best if you just suffer from her pining, instead of all of us from her heartbreak," Pansy quickly whispered into his ear as Draco sneered, which turned into a wince when she dug her heel into his foot harder.

"Go away, prep," Enobi flipped the bird at Pansy.

"On second thought, make her suffering slow and painful-"

"You know what, you're right Pansy. Only one of us should have to suffer. Good evening, Ebony."

"Hi Draco," The repeated batting of eyelids nearly had Pansy upchucking her dinner, hopefully in the direction of the owner of the batted eyelids.

"So, err, what brings you here to this wonderful place? Filled with books. And knowledge. And other things you don't possess," The last sentence was smothered when Draco bit his lips closed.

"Oh, Blaise told me you wanted to see me," Draco accordingly started cursing Blaise to hell.

"You know what, I'm really tired. Why don't you talk to Pansy," With that, Draco sprinted to his dorm room, leaving behind a cursing Pansy and oh-so-very-gothic Obi Wank Enobi behind.


	2. Chapter 2

"So that's her real name... Did her parents hate her or something?"

"Ron, does it matter?"

"No, not really." Harry rubbed his eyes as he rose from his bed, then he scrambled around for his wand. After casting a tempus charm, he was ready to castrate Ron.

"And that's the question you ask when you decide to wake me up at seven-fuck-o-clock in the morning? On a Saturday?"

"Don't blame me, Herm wanted me to ask you if you wanted to go to Hogsmeade."

"Fuck... Tell her I'll be there in an hour," With that, Harry promptly threw himself back on his bed.

* * *

><p>"DRACO MALFOY!" A shriek echoed throughout the hallway as Draco continued to chew on his toast while Gregory Goyle winced from the shrill voice. "How dare you leave me alone with that wench!"<p>

"Sorry, Pans. Hopefully you can forgive me the one time I use you as my scapegoat?" Draco batted his eyelashes in way that was reminiscent of a certain gothic girl. Pansy huffed indignantly.

"If you find a way to crush her then I could care less."

"Er, alright?" Pansy most likely took the response as a yes, for she grunted in satisfaction and continued walking toward the Great Hall. "Come on, Goyle, I think I'll need some help finding a good detection charm."

"What about Hogsmeade?"

"Right... Greg, if you warn me whenever you see that Enobi girl then I will buy you every freaking liquorice wand I can find in Honeydukes."

"But Draco, isn't that her right there?" Draco quickly turned around and swore his luck to hell, along with Zabini. Indeed, the goth was standing with some other goth that looked exactly like her-how the fuck had he never noticed her before-and was not-at-all-discretely checking him out. Then the Enobi girl strutted toward him like she owned the very floor she walked on, which is the walk she definitely stole from Draco himself. Bloody wanker, he should probably get his walk copyrighted or something.

"Hi," she said flirtatiously. Again. Like it was the only word she bloody knew. Probably was.

"Hi yourself," _Get the fuck away from me. _

No such luck, since she doubtlessly took the reply as an invitation to keep on talking.

"What's up?"

_The bloody ceiling._ "Nothing."

"Are you gonna be going to Hogsmeade?"

_Not anymore._ "Yeah he is," Greg chirped, oblivious to Draco's resulting death glare.

"Ooh! I am too!"

"Fan-fucking-tastic," Draco spat under his breath.

"Let's go together, Draco!" Enobi skipped away to join her squealing gothic twin.

"Do I still get the liquorice wands, Draco?" Draco proceeded to pinch the bridge of his aristocratic nose in hope of calming himself.

* * *

><p>"So that's Ebony?" Hermione asked Harry as two girls dressed in black chatted at the Great Hall Slytherin table.<p>

"Can't tell. They look exactly the same." Harry stuffed the rest of his muffin in his mouth, the same way Ron was doing with all the food he put on his plate.

"I don't recognize them. Do you think they transferred here this year?"

"Mmph."

"Ron, chew properly. Harry, what did you say?"

"Hey, how come you don't say anything to Harry when he talks with his mouth full?" Hermione ignored Ron.

"Hermione, I frankly don't care. I got less than seven hours of sleep last night and I'm not going to waste any of my energy thinking about her."

"Is she really that bad?"

"Herm, she thinks I'm a vampire!"

"Let's just go to Hogsmeade," Ron piped up, a bit tired of being ignored.

Hogsmeade was a bit chilly today, making Harry thankful that he brought along his scarf. The Golden Trio entered the Honeydukes store first, Hermione and Ron secretly agreeing that chocolate was the only thing that could currently cheer up Harry. They regretted that decision almost instantly.

"Vampire! Hi!" Enobi turned around from the blood-flavoured lollipops, which came as a surprise to nobody.

"Erghf," Harry choked as he saw that she was actually sucking on one.

"I'm a vampire too!" Hermione gasped at the goth girl's declaration while Ron started to snort in uncontainable laughter.

"Is twenty enough, Greg? If I knew you were going to start sniveling if I didn't buy any of them then I wouldn't have said anything in the first place," Potter caught sight of Malfoy purchasing sugar quills and a bunch of liquorice wands, a tearful Goyle standing nearby. The current situation couldn't get any worse, then Malfoy decided to turn his head in his direction.

"Potter?" Oh he was fucked.

"M-Malfoy? What are you doing?"

"What does it look like? Buying sweets from Honeydukes. Or is that completely unheard of to you?"

"Draco wanted for me ta come here with him," An exasperated grunt came from Malfoy's direction as Enobi spoke up. _What kind of name is Ebony anyway? Does she even know what it means?_ "He invited me to a GC concert!"

"What the fuck is GC?" Malfoy hissed rapidly. Somehow only Harry seemed to know what he said, most likely since he was thinking the exact same thing. Hermione was busy trying to keep Ron from fainting from hyperventilation and Greg was busy slobbering over his newly-obtained liquorice wands.

"We're going out too!"

"We are so fucking not," Draco gritted his teeth in an attempt to keep from AK'ing the bitch. Potter was going to hold this against him for the rest of this miserable year at Hogwarts, no, longer, for the rest of his miserable life. Fuck, was he turning emo, or whatever the Enobi girl called it, too? Wait, is Potter actually looking at him in... Sympathy?

"That's good to know-"

"Oh, Vampire, are you jealous? You can come too!"

"Wait, what?" "NO!" Harry and Draco both shouted.

"Yeah! It'll be a threesome!" Harry swore he could see Malfoy emitting a murderous aura that swamped the store. There were certainly some younger Hogwarts student onlookers that were backing away from the pureblood. "I'm gonna go find Willow!" Enobi walked out the store, probably too stupid to notice Malfoy's homicidal intentions.

"Hermione, what just happened?" Ron whispered; he definitely noticed the pureblood's dangerous thoughts.

"Harry, you were right. She is quite bad."


	3. Chapter 3

"Pansy, I had it! I really am going to kill her. Apparently she not only thinks I'm her boyfriend, but also thinks that I'm bisexual and that I once had a tryst with Potter!" Draco collapsed onto his bed, dropping two bags filled to the brim with Honeydukes chocolates beside him.

"Of course, Draco, since we all know you're completely bent." Pansy smiled sweetly as she started rummaging through the purchased candy.

"Rephrase that last sentence and I may consider letting you have a piece."

"Of course, Draco, since we all know the only one good enough for you is Harry Potter himself."

"Put down that chocolate frog and try again."

"...What, you want me to lie?"

"Fuck you. Then just give me one," Draco stuck out his hand and Pansy delightedly plopped a chocolate frog into his palm. Draco hurriedly opened the wrapping and devoured the chocolate.

"Hey look, Draco, you got a Harry Potter card! Aren't you lucky."

"Eh."

* * *

><p>Harry unwrapped his chocolate frog and found an Albus Dumbledore card with it. He sighed. He really did miss the old headmaster, especially since the Wizarding World was slowly being rebuilt for the better. Hopefully. He pocketed the card and watched as the frog leaped around his desk.<p>

"So you raced against Malfoy to get as many chocolate frogs as you possibly could just to watch one bounce around your desk?" Hermione scourgified the chocolate marks covering the desk as Harry finally decided to pick up the sweet and shove it into his mouth.

"I don't know Herm, I thought things would settle down after the war. I thought _I_ would settle down after the war," Harry rested his head on the desk. "You would think I've already had enough excitement in my life. Maybe that's why I'm overreacting about the Ebony thing, because having girls as my main concern instead of a crazy dark wizard megalomaniac is such a new concept."

"Oh no, Harry, I don't think you're overreacting. I think it's a perfectly good thing to be worried about. How can a seventeen-year-old possibly be that... Dense?"

"Ah ha ha. I can think of many more qualities to describe her that aren't nearly as subtle."

"Maybe you should try talking to her."

"About what? About her needing to get therapy? Or a thesaurus?"

"Why don't you just get some sleep for now?" Hermione finally suggested. She didn't have a clue what Harry should ask the gothic girl either.

"I think I'll just fly for a while, Herm," Harry forced a smile as Hermione nodded and went to join Ron, who was happily beating the crap out of every Gryffindor brave enough to face him in a game of chess.

Harry actually changed his mind at the last minute and made his way toward Hagrid's hut.

"Hagrid?" Harry knocked on the hut's door but there was no reply. He warily opened the door and circumspected the inside. There was no sign of the half-giant. Hagrid was probably was looking for some more creatures in the Forbidden Forest. Good to see some things haven't changed. Harry looked back outside and saw Thestrals gathering around the hut. He smiled, having grown fond of the skeletal-looking winged-horses after his rescue attempt for Sirius during his fifth year. "I bet Hagrid won't mind if I feed them," Harry dragged out six raw hunks of meat he found in the hut. The Thestrals surrounded him and each languidly snatched a slab from his hands. One of the Thestrals left off a piece to give to a cub, that Harry leaned over petted as it slowly chewed on the mutton. Suddenly a huge gunshot-like sound echoed from the Forbidden Forest.

"What the hell?" Harry quickly straightened. He was running on pure Savior instinct now. He mounted a nearby Thestral and hooked his legs behind its wing joints, urging it to fly as fast as it could toward the source of the blast.

"Voldemort!" A shriek echoed. Harry gritted his teeth. That was the last voice he wanted to hear at the moment. Sure enough, the black haired chick was there, holding a-why the fuck did she have a gun?

"Thou must kill Harry Potter! If thou shan't then, Ith shall kill thy beloved Draconis!" Voldemort? What the fuck?

"No!" Enobi cried, tears of blood streaming down her face, probably as a result of haemolacria.

"Thou mu-"

"Expelliarmus! Stupefy! Incarcerous!" Harry had already descended from the Thestral's back and was walking briskly toward "Voldemort".

"Oh, Vampire!"

"Who are you, why are you trying to kill me, and why are you disguised as Voldemort?" Harry ignored the mentally-ill goth and harshly rammed his foot in the back of the intruder, who was currently too dazed to even think about talking. "Che, I should have probably eased up on the stupefy."

"My hero!-"

"Not now, Ebony," Harry cast Wingardium Leviosa on the unconscious body and levitated it onto the Thestral. "Evanesco," He aimed his wand at the gun that laid forgotten on the forest floor; he definitely didn't want Obi Wank Enobi anywhere near the thing. "Okay, now what are you doing here?"

"Well, Draco lied to me and said that there wasn't any GC concert-"

"There's no such thing at Hogwarts-"

"It was supposeded to be in Hogsmeade!" Harry was very close to using stupefy on the idiotic girl and leaving her for the centaurs to find.

"Why are you in the Forbidden Forest?"

"'Cus I didn't wanna to see Draco's liar face anymore!" If her butchering of the English grammar wasn't enough, the girl actually started crying again, leaving Harry wincing as he saw a _lot _of blood leaving her eye sockets.

"You should really see Nurse Pomfrey about that."

"Huh?"

"... Never mind. I'll be going now-"

"Wait, I'm not done yet," Harry was about ready to introduce his forehead to a hard-looking tree trunk.

"Then what?"

"Do you still want to have a threesome, Vampire?"

Harry never flew faster in his life.

"So, Harry, did you have a good flight?"

"It was wonderful," Harry didn't even want to bother trying to explain the Forbidden Forest events to his friends. He had dropped off the Voldemort-impersonator at McGongall's office. It was later discovered that the bloke also happened to be an ex-Death Eater-impersonator with a fake tattooed Dark Mark on the wrong arm. McGongall told Harry that he was actually a squib carpenter who was hired to help finish the last of the repairs needed on Hogwarts. She also told him that the carpenter was a bit touched in the head, which Harry didn't doubt one had to be in order to do such a drastic maneuver.

"Harry, I know you're lying," Hermione said. Fuck, he really needed to work on acting more relaxed.

"IranintoEnobi," Harry's words ran together.

"What? On the Quidditch Pitch?" Hermione asked suspiciously.

"In the Forbidden Forest."

"What! Harry! By yourself? Why in the world-"

"I heard a gunshot."

"A gunshot?"

"It's a from a muggle weapon, Ron. A gun."

"Oh. Wait, what's a gun?"

"Why in the world was there a gun in the Forbidden Forest, Harry?" Hermione ignored Ron.

"I took care of it Hermione. It was a deranged squib who was helping with Hogwarts' post-war repairs. Enobi was there for the most retarded reasons in the world."

"Why? What exactly happened after you handled the squib?"

"She told me she ran all the way into the Forbidden Forest because Draco couldn't take her to a concert that doesn't even exist." Ron tried his best to hold back his laughter as Hermione pressed the palms of her hands on her eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm not going out with you no more, Draco!" Ebony screamed randomly during breakfast Sunday morning in the Great Hall. Nearly all the Slytherins gasped in mock horror.

"Huh?" Draco was rubbing his temples in an attempt to quell an insistent headache.

"I've found a new love! In...Vampire!"

"The fuck?" Harry choked on his pumpkin juice. Ron accidentally snorted his pumpkin juice in laughter. Yeah, some supportive friends he had.

"That's it, I freaking had it," Hermione stood from her seat. "If you can't play the bad guy, Harry, and tell her how you actually feel, then I will. Ebony!" The gothic girl turned toward Granger.

"Look, Ebony, first of all, Harry is _not _a vampire. He's a normal wizard who happened to defeat Voldemort and saved the whole of the Wizarding World from the Dark Ages," The ex-Dark Wizard's name had a few students flinching. "He can't stand you but he's too nice to say anything to you, so please just leave him alone."

"Yeah, some bad guy, Granger. You practically begged her to just stop being annoying," Malfoy muttered as he reached for the butter with his knife.

"Shut up, fucking prep!" That quickly silenced all the Great Hall residents except for the Slytherins who were oohing to get a rise from Granger.

"Um, Hermione," Harry tried tugging her back down to her seat.

"You imbecilic, impudent, ill-mannered, impious, idiot!"

"Your mom!"

More oohing.

"Riddikulus!" Hermione pointed her wand at Ebony's face. The spell made the makeup on her face swell and mix, leaving her lips down to the bottom of her chin black, her eyes thickly rimmed with several red and black circles, and the rest of her face an unhealthy shade of gray.

"What did that do?" The girl sneered, unable to see the ghastly result and making her face ever-more-so like one belonging to a freaky homicidal clown.

The whole of the student body stood mesmerized for a length of ten seconds before they all burst into a lengthy bout of uncontainable laughter. Hermione huffed in resignation and sat down next to an awestruck Harry.

"Wow, you're evil."

"We're going to get revenge, Harry."

"Wait, what? You mean that wasn't enough?"

"No, that was for me. We have to get revenge for you now." Harry gaped at his friend like a fish out of water.

"Then I'm assuming you have a plan?" Harry finally asked.

"Nope." Harry groaned and watched as Ron tried to keep his food from going down the wrong tract.

* * *

><p>"Why is she so melodramatic all the time? Oh wait, it's because she's gothic. Wait, that doesn't make sense either!" Draco once again attempted to massage the irksome headache out of his head after he put the finishing touches on his potions paper. Slughorn may hate his guts, but Draco was quite determined in getting top marks on his potions NEWTS.<p>

"What I can't believe is that she went through the entire day without noticing what happened to her face. If only Binns hadn't decided to tell her about it in order to make the students stop laughing and actually pay attention in his class." Pansy tapped thoughtfully on her chin with a manicured fingernail. "Well, it's not like anyone pays attention in his class anyway." She added as an afterthought.

"Her reaction was worth it though."

"Wait, Drakey, do you actually not care about being 'dumped'?" Pansy asked, emphasizing the word 'dumped' by making air quotes with her fingers.

"Truthfully, Pansy, I couldn't be happier," Draco replied as he took out his Arithmacy book. He was on a roll today.

"Yeah, but she _dumped _you. Aren't Malfoys suppose to be all like, 'oh, I dumped her first' or something? Not to mention that she did it in public."

Draco knocked ink all over his parchment, which he hastily magicked back into the bottle. "You just want revenge, don't you?"

"Same goes for you, Drakey Poo." So that's what that incessant headache was about.

"Then I'm guessing you have some crazy revenge ploy for once?"

"I thought you never ask."

* * *

><p>Harry pulled the invisibility cloak tighter over his head as he walked furtively out the portrait that led to the Gryffindor rooms.<p>

_I can't believe I need to use the invisibility cloak to get freaking food._ Harry had went through the entirety of the week trying to avoid his self-appointed girlfriend. It's like she had a Maurader's Map of her own. Or she actually succeeded in using a tracking charm on him; Harry quickly crossed that choice out after noting she would probably mispronounce something and end up with an extra head or something just as terrifying-as if she needs another mouth to spout more nonsense. After the first day of the girl's pining, Harry felt something akin to sympathy for Malfoy, unable to see how he was able to survive this for two weeks. Classes and night time were the only times Harry was actually safe from Enobi's stalker-like wrath. He couldn't go to breakfast or dinner, or anywhere else, without her trying to woo him with her slutty-like, grammatically incorrect self. _This is far from girl troubles. This is harassment. _

Harry's stomach growled, like it was telling him to stop thinking about his wretched life, so the Boy Who Lived briskly walked toward the kitchens.

And lo and behold, Harry's life just became more wretched. Harry quickly stopped in his tracks as he saw Ebony crying right in the smack middle of the fucking hallway, puddles of blood growing larger and larger on either side of her. Harry was unable to get past her without stepping in some of the blood that stained the floor. Bugger, that was going to be a pain to clean up, even with a good scourgify charm.

"Why do I have to be so beautiful? Why? All the preps are jealous and Vampire's so shy that he doesn't want to be with me!" _Ah, you wish._ Harry had to keep from snorting out loud in incredulity. _At least you got the me not wanting to be with you part right._

"Oh no! He must be cheating on me with Draco!"

_The fuck, no I'm not!_ Harry worked hard to refrain himself from saying his thoughts out loud, among other things, as another fountain of blood started shooting from her eyes. _She must have lost quite a few gallons by now. Is that even normal for vampires? Nope, I quite doubt it._

"I'll catch him doing it right now!" The girl drenched in blood quickly got up and ran off, in the fucking _opposite_ direction of the common rooms. Merlin, what an idiot.

Harry quickly cast scourgify on the floor and resumed his journey to the kitchens, this time running in order to lessen the chances of running into her again. He was in for a different surprise when he arrived to the kitchens.

"Malfoy? Oh, come on, I barely escaped Enobi a minute ago." Harry tugged off his invisibility cloak and asked a nearby house elf for some food.

"Oh, Potter. Well, it's not like you're the only one with the idea of eating after dinner," Malfoy answered, taking another bite from a sandwich. "This actually tastes pretty good, despite its plebian origins."

"Why are you here?"

"Because I skipped dinner. I'm assuming you did as well. Nice to see you run on something else other than pure brawn."

"Why'd you skip dinner?"

"The same reason you did, Potter. I've been running a bit low on sleep so I'd rather hurry up and finish this sandwich than answer your stupid questions, if you don't mind."

"Why are you avoiding Ebony?"

"Who wouldn't want to avoid her? Geez Potter, you're making me believe the girl bursted half your brain cells in the past week. That's a laugh though, some girl causing more troubles for the great Harry Potter than the Dark Lord."

"You didn't answer my question."

"I may have told her that you were cheating on her with me. And then I proceeded to tell her that I was going to commit suicide."

"What!"

"I'm kidding-"

"Oh."

"About the last sentence."

"Wait, what?"

"Potter, I'm starting to believe you've lost the ability to speak sentences that have more than five words."

"Why in the world did you say something like that?"

"What can I say, annoying you is one of the highlights of my life," Draco replied while wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"I hate you."

"Bite me."

"Gladly," Harry dashed toward the Slytherin, a clenched fist aimed at the git's head. The blonde quickly stepped back, dropping his unfinished sandwich to grab his wand. Oh, we couldn't have any of that. Harry ducked as Malfoy yelled a stinging hex that collided with the kitchen wall. House elves were running around, trying to protect exposed cooking ware and food and begging for the boys to do the hexing somewhere other than in the kitchens. Harry ducked under a table and aimed an Expelliarmus at Malfoy, which he was able to dodge and sent an Expelliarmus right back at him. The Slytherin's spell missed Harry as he threw himself at the Slytherin, sending them both crashing to the floor.

The wind was knocked out of Draco, leaving him gasping as Potter slammed his back onto the floor. "The hell, Potter?"

"Sorry, did that hurt?" Potter asked sarcastically as he pinned both of Draco's arms down with his knees.

"Quite so, will you kiss it better?" Then a shriek echoed from the kitchen doorway.

"Eek! Like oh my God! Yaoi!" Ebony wailed, pointing at the compromising position the two were in.

"The fuck, it's like she knows everywhere I fucking go," Potter hissed.

"Ditto," Draco chimed.

"I totally knewed thats you were cheating on me, Vampire!"

"Please don't start crying again," Potter feared he was going to develop a deep case of hemaphobia.

Too late, the girl was leaking blood from her eye sockets once again. The metallic smell nearly had Potter dry-heaving, since he didn't have anything in his system; at this rate, it was very unlikely he was going to get anything in his system.

"Can you get off me, Potter?" Draco squirmed around under him. "My arms are going numb."

Potter actually _blushed_, muttered something about 'stupid, pathetic Slytherins'-Draco was going to get him back for that comment later-and hastily rose to his feet.

"Not going to help me up?" Potter grumbled something unintelligible-Draco was probably going to have to get him back for that too-and offered a hand to the snarky Slytherin. Draco then had a brilliant idea. He grabbed the offered hand and then forcefully yanked on it when he was halfway up, jerking Potter straight towards him and crashing their lips together.


End file.
